Success Doesn’t Look Like I Thought It Would
“For the first time, I’m not defining success by how well I’m performing the role I’m in. I’m defining it by how I want my life to feel.”
Success has looked like a lot of different things throughout my life. It has been tied to careers, awards, degrees, military service, owning a home, building a business, and whatever role I happened to be performing at the time. But somewhere along the way, I realized my definition of success kept changing because I kept changing. Maybe redefining success isn’t about accomplishing more at all. Maybe it starts with asking whether the life you’re working so hard to build actually feels like yours.
I can’t help but laugh at this blog post. I can’t even tell you how many times my idea of success has changed over the years.
I really took the time to think about it, though, and reflect because all the previous times I thought about success, I was molding myself to the role I was in or what someone told me I should be or become.
As an interrogator in the Army, success looked like becoming Soldier of the Year and being the best dang interrogator I could be. That wasn’t even the job I wanted when I enlisted in the Army National Guard. Also, I was looking forward to being a “weekend warrior” and just performing one weekend a month and two weeks a year.
But Nooooo.
My competitive nature made sure I didn’t slack off, and well, I was determined to be the best interrogator I could be. I ended up being activated a lot, and even more after 9/11. No weekend warrior here.
Every Version of Me Had a Different Definition of Success
I got close to what I thought was my real purpose in life when I started working at the University of Miami at the Center for Research in Medical Education. I didn’t even make it three months full-time, the time I needed so I could apply and start school.
I was on track to become a medical doctor.
Or so I thought.
No, I didn’t get fired. I was activated to Port of Miami duty for three months. Then, shortly after that, I received my orders for Bosnia.
When I got back, success looked completely different. Success looked like moving to Arizona to be closer to my family because I was done with Miami, done with the military, and honestly, I just wanted my parents.
Then came my lofty career in accounting. You know I’m maybe a semester shy of completing my accounting degree. Hard pass, though. Not on the goals list.
The point is that every time I defined success, I wasn’t necessarily defining it for me. I was defining success for the current career I was in, even when it wasn’t necessarily the career I wanted to be in to begin with.
I wasn’t always following my passion. A lot of the time, I was conforming to that place in time and where I was.
Apparently, My Definition Changed Again
Heck, I had a definition of success at the beginning of this year. And just recently, I sat down with myself and put another one together.
This time it was for me. Not for my current role at the 9-to-5. Not even for my business.
Honestly, I think the thought started while I was attending the Amor Collective retreat. I was sitting there listening to amazing speakers talk about marketing, PR, displaying items correctly on a shelf, and all the other things I’m learning as I build this business.
One of the speakers shared a story about Jackie Robinson, success, and the failures people don’t always talk about. For some reason, while she was talking, my brain went somewhere completely different.
I started thinking about success.
Then I Looked Around My House
The next morning was Sunday. I was sitting at home with my cafecito in my hand, comfy on my couch in the living room. My fur beast Astro was snoring next to me.
I looked around my house and was in awe. I was so grateful for everything my husband and I have worked for.
And light bulb. I was already successful!
We have our forever home. We have entirely too many things, but we have this gorgeous home. 😂 We have a lot of material things, but then the best thing showed up.
The sunrise. Right there over the little patch of desert that’s our backyard.
Every morning I look at that desert and think, man, this is beautiful. Yes, I could use a beach, but that desert just shows off every damn day.
And that Sunday, in that moment, I realized I was already successful. I just needed to stop acting like I was still waiting for success to happen.
And I don’t mean showing everyone everything I have. I mean I need to stop constantly saying: I need this. And that. And this. And that.
I have it all.
What I need to do now is nurture it and grow it. And that’s when my definition of success changed.
Success Is My Time
It’s not in the material things. I want to be living my life on purpose, on my terms.
I don’t want to clock in or out for a company. I want to wake up and work when I want. I want to take Aiden to school without sometimes trying to break records to get back home in time to clock in.
Success is my time.
And the funny thing is, I’ve written about this before.
In The Internet Thinks Success Happens Overnight, I asked you to define success for yourself without looking at someone else’s life first. I even told you what my answer was:
Owning my own time.
Apparently, I needed to sit with that answer a little longer before I understood what it actually meant.
Before you start working harder toward the next goal, make sure it’s actually your goal. In The Internet Thinks Success Happens Overnight, I talk about defining success without using someone else’s life, timeline, or highlight reel as your measuring stick.
How Many Women Are Defining Success According to the Role They’re Currently Performing?
Employee success. Mom success. Wife success. Business-owner success. Veteran success. Daughter, sister, bestie, comadre success.
Bruh.
I’m just tired of all those hats we wear. Can you imagine trying to define success for every single one of them?
The thing is, all those roles are part of you as a whole. One doesn’t exist without the others. You take a little bit from each role, and depending on the day, you use the skills you’ve gained from all of them to get through whatever you need to get through.
Instead of looking at them individually, look at yourself as a complete human.
Because maybe the question isn’t: Am I successful enough as an employee? Am I successful enough as a mom? Am I successful enough as a business owner?
Maybe the question is simply:
Does the life I’m building feel successful to me?
My definition of success will probably change again. It has before. But for the first time, I’m not defining success by how well I’m performing the role I’m in.
I’m defining it by how I want my life to feel.
And no, I’m not quitting the 9-to-5 tomorrow. Unless we win the Mega Millions, and you know I’ll still give two weeks’ notice.
HA!
I’m just recognizing that I don’t need another award that will need to be cleaned yet again in my office. I don’t need another degree. I don’t need a bigger house.
Actually, I would be so happy with a tiny home on an island. Give me my cafecito, the ocean, and leave me alone. 😂
As long as my time belonged to me and I didn’t have to answer to anyone but myself? That’s what success would look like at this point in my life.
And that might change again.
For now?
Success is my time.
Before You Go
Maybe your definition of success has changed too. Not because you failed at the old one, but because you’re not the same person who created it.
If you’re figuring out what success, identity, work, family, and building a life that actually feels like yours looks like now, come hang out with me in the newsletter.
And if you want to keep reading:
READ NEXT: I CHANGED MY BUSINESS TWICE BEFORE I FINALLY RECOGNIZED IT
