Understanding Grief: Embracing the Complexity of Loss
When we think of grief, the first thing that often comes to mind is losing a loved one who has passed away. However, grief takes on many forms. You can grieve the loss of a job, moving out of state, the end of a friendship, or even the loss of a long-held dream. Grief is a complex emotion, and there’s no universal, structured plan for how to deal with it. Each person's experience with grief is unique, influenced by their relationship with what or whom they’ve lost.
Experts agree that grief is not just about losing someone to death; it can be triggered by various life changes. Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, who pioneered the five stages of grief model, explains that grief can emerge from any significant life change, and individuals may experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance in varying sequences and intensities (Kübler-Ross & Kessler, 2014) .
My Personal Experience with Grief
Recently, I lost my grandma, who was like a mother to me. Before she passed, she would constantly remind me that she didn’t want me to grieve for her—she wanted me to remember and celebrate her life. That wish, though, only lasted for a short while after I heard the news of her passing. In a moment of complete emotional shutdown, I told myself, "Self, you get today to grieve, and that's it!" I thought I was honoring my grandma, but it turns out grief isn’t something that can be neatly contained in a single day.
I also faced the loss of friendships. Some people didn’t understand why I was grieving so deeply for my grandma—after all, she was “just” my grandma, as they put it. But grief is deeply personal, and it's not for anyone else to judge. My grief was multi-layered, encompassing not only my grandma but also the realization that some friendships couldn’t withstand the emotional weight of my loss.
At the end of the day, I have no idea when I’ll stop grieving, and honestly, that’s okay. Grief comes in waves—sometimes it’s a gentle splash, other times it’s like a tidal wave out of nowhere. Some days, I smile when I think of my grandma, especially when I’m cooking. She used to tell me, "With a little imagination and the right amount of seasoning, the food will always turn out great." Spoiler alert: that was a big fat lie—HA! Or maybe I should rein in my wild imagination. Then there are days when I find myself crying because I want to share something with her, like the latest juicy gossip (because let’s be real, she loved the tea), and I can’t call her. Grief is unpredictable like that—it’s not linear, and it doesn’t come with a set timeline.
Techniques for Coping with Grief
As a life coach, I’ve seen how grief can manifest in various ways, and how important it is to have coping mechanisms in place. Here are some techniques that can help navigate the turbulent waters of grief:
Acknowledgment and Acceptance: It’s important to acknowledge and accept your grief instead of pushing it away (in the military, we used to say "embrace the suck"). This means allowing yourself to feel the emotions—curse as much as you want here; it’s surprisingly helpful—whether they are sadness, anger, or even moments of joy when remembering the good times. Grief isn’t about bottling it up; it’s about giving yourself permission to let it all out, whatever that looks like for you.
Mindfulness, Meditation, or Prayer: Practicing mindfulness helps you stay present in the moment, allowing you to acknowledge your emotions without judgment—just let them be what they are. Meditation offers a quiet space to process those emotions, reduce anxiety, and invite a sense of calm back into your life. And for all the religious folks out there, prayer can be just as powerful. Hold space for that loss, and connect with your creator—whoever that might be. Whether you’re sitting in stillness or sending up a prayer, research supports the effectiveness of mindfulness-based practices in helping individuals cope with grief.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be incredibly therapeutic. Journaling allows you to explore your grief without fear of judgment. It also offers a way to track your emotional journey and recognize patterns or triggers in your grief.
Creating Rituals of Remembrance: Engaging in activities that honor your loved one—or whatever you’ve lost—can be a powerful part of the healing process. This might include lighting a candle in their memory, cooking their favorite meal, or dancing and singing (quite terribly, but who cares!) like no one is watching to Marc Anthony's "Vivir Mi Vida." Let the world see your moves, or better yet, hide away in your kitchen and give it all you've got. It’s not about how you do it, but how it helps you connect to the memories that matter most.
Seeking Support: Sometimes, talking to others who understand what you're going through can be a huge relief. Whether it’s a grief support group, therapy, or simply a trusted friend, having a solid support system is vital in processing grief. And no, I don’t mean posting on Facebook and asking strangers for support or advice (especially not advice!). Reach out to real people who actually know you and care—people who can offer more than a thumbs-up emoji.
Grief doesn’t have a finish line, and that’s perfectly normal. It’s okay to feel a range of emotions, sometimes all within the span of a single day. What’s important is to give yourself permission to grieve in your own way and time.
How have you experienced grief in your life, and what techniques have helped you cope?
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Disclaimer:
I am not a doctor, psychologist, or licensed therapist. Everything I share is based on my personal experiences and should not be considered professional advice. For personalized guidance, always consult a licensed medical or mental health professional—yes, a real one, not "Dr. Google" or the comment section of social media.
If you're in crisis, please call 911 or contact the 988 Lifeline for immediate support. You're not alone, and real help is available.
