Embracing the Messiness of Grief: A Journey, Not a Destination
I’m beyond excited to introduce my amazing friend and therapist, Amanda Tallman, LMSW, as our first guest blogger! Amanda is an Army Veteran and a compassionate therapist with over a decade of experience in therapy. She’s worked with kids, teens, and adults navigating major life events—from childhood adversity to military service and domestic violence.
In her insightful reflections on grief, Cynthia opened up a profound conversation about the complexity and non-linear nature of the grieving process. Drawing from the work of Dr. Erica Sirrine, a licensed clinical social worker and expert in grief and bereavement with a Ph.D. in social work whom I recently took a certification with, I want to continue exploring the idea that grief is not something to be "resolved" but a journey that evolves over time—one that doesn't always follow a predictable path.
Grief is as Unique as Our Stories
One of the most impactful elements of Dr. Sirrine's work is her acknowledgment that grief manifests differently for everyone. The notion that there is no “right” way to grieve is empowering. Like so many others, I have found myself wrestling with expectations of what my grief "should" look like. Whether mourning a person, an experience, or even a version of ourselves that has been lost, each grief journey is as unique as our personal stories.
For me, the loss of Elliott, my team leader and mentor during my deployment to Afghanistan, was one of the most defining moments in understanding how personal and unpredictable grief can be. Elliott was someone who guided me through some of the most challenging moments of my military career, always pushing me to grow and lead by example. His death left a void that I hadn’t expected, and it’s a grief that I still carry with me today.
There were days when I could go about life as usual, but then something small would bring memories flooding back, and I’d be reminded of the lessons Elliott imparted. His mentorship shaped the leader I became, and even now, I continue to honor his legacy by running a nonprofit that helps other veterans—many of whom, like me, have also lost mentors and leaders who impacted their lives in profound ways.
The Stages of Grief: A Broader Understanding
The stages of grief, originally developed by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, were introduced in her 1969 book *On Death and Dying* to describe the emotional responses of terminally ill patients as they came to terms with their own mortality. These five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—were not initially intended to map the grief of those mourning the loss of someone else, but rather the experiences of individuals facing their own impending death.
Over time, these stages have often been applied to the bereavement process, though Kübler-Ross herself acknowledged that grief, especially in mourning, doesn’t always follow such a clear pattern. Grieving a loved one is a more varied, personal journey, and while some people may recognize elements of the stages in their own process, others may experience grief in entirely different ways.
This understanding is crucial because it reminds us that the experience of grief—whether facing our own death or the loss of someone close—is as unique as the individual experiencing it. Grief doesn’t conform to a rigid set of stages, and healing comes through navigating these emotions in whatever order, intensity, and timeframe they appear.
Grief is a Sign of Love—or Respect
Another powerful message from Dr. Sirrine’s research is the idea that grief is a sign of deep love—or in some cases, respect and admiration. Grief can be an acknowledgment of the important relationships that shaped us, the lessons we learned from those we lost, and the impact they had on our lives.
When I think about Elliott, the sadness I still feel is not just about his absence, but also about the immense respect I had for him as a leader and mentor. In those early months, it was easy to feel like something was wrong with me for not "moving on." But over time, I learned that my grief was an acknowledgment of his influence and the part he played in my growth. My grief wasn’t something to be fixed—it was a reflection of the significance of the mentorship and guidance he provided.
Moving with, Not Through, Grief
One of the most liberating ideas Dr. Sirrine offers is that we don’t have to “get through” grief to heal. Healing doesn’t mean the absence of grief; it means learning to carry it in a way that allows us to live fully. Some days will be harder than others, and that’s okay. We can still find moments of joy, hope, and growth while holding space for our loss.
Instead of rushing to move on, Dr. Sirrine encourages us to move with our grief, allowing it to be a part of us without defining us. This resonates deeply with me, as I see how many of my clients—whether dealing with the loss of a loved one or other life transitions—find peace when they give themselves permission to grieve at their own pace.
Creating Space for Grief in Community
Cynthia's words about the importance of community in the grieving process are so true. Grief can often feel isolating, but we don't have to go through it alone. Whether it’s leaning on friends and family or seeking professional support, like therapy or grief groups, sharing our pain helps us process it. Dr. Sirrine highlights the importance of connection in grief—by being present with others in their sorrow, we can both give and receive healing.
Grief is not something to be conquered; it’s something to be lived with. Whether your loss is fresh or decades old, Dr. Sirrine’s work reminds us that there is grace in the messiness. As we continue to navigate the complexities of grief, may we allow ourselves to feel deeply, honor the relationships that have shaped us, and support one another through it.
More About Amanda and How You Can Work with Her:
Amanda holds a Master of Social Work from Arizona State University and is a certified Adverse Childhood Trainer. She’s currently pursuing advanced certifications in trauma therapy and equine-assisted psychotherapy. With her unique approach and evidence-based care, Amanda is dedicated to helping people heal, feel empowered, and live their best lives.
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