Stop People-Pleasing: 5 Guilt-Free Steps to Build Better Boundaries
There’s a popular idea floating around right now: The Let Them Theory. And listen, I’m not here to knock it. For a lot of situations? It works beautifully.
Example: My husband coughs up a lung every single morning. 🤧 Used to drive me nuts. I’d roll my eyes and ask, “Did you take an allergy pill?” (with my very loving, very sarcastic tone, of course). His answer? Always no. 🙄
Now? I just... let him. And guess what? Without me nagging, he’s started to admit he’s annoyed with the cough too, and might actually see a doctor.
So yes, sometimes “letting them” figure it out on their own? It works.
But here’s my caution: “Let Them” does not mean “become a doormat.”
Sometimes “letting them” means you need to:
Step back
Bow out
Say no
Close the door
This past week, I had to set one of the hardest boundaries of my life. Some people might judge me, ridicule me, think I’m selfish or dramatic. Why? Because it was a boundary I had to set with my own family.
I did it for my peace. For my mental health. For my son, to model that we deserve real love and respect.
And to the people who judge me for it? Let them. They’re entitled to their opinions. But my peace isn’t up for debate.
If I’m being honest, I probably set this boundary too late. It took years to find the courage to finally put myself first. Years of discomfort, disappointment, and internal battles.
So, where do you start?
If you’ve never set a boundary before, let’s start small. Even “small” boundaries can feel huge, especially if you’re like me and you’ve spent your whole life doing the opposite.
Because as women, especially as firstborns, minority women, caretakers, we’ve been taught to:
Put everyone else first
Be the bigger person
Show up no matter what
Swallow our own needs to keep the peace
But that peace? If it costs your mental health, your values, or your energy?
It’s not peace, it’s performance.
Why Boundaries Actually Make You Stronger
According to a Time article, therapist and author Terri Cole (Boundary Boss) says:
“If you don’t set any, you’ll likely become stressed and burned out, and as resentment simmers, your relationships might become strained.”
But with boundaries in place?
“Your confidence and self-esteem leap upwards, you’ll have a greater sense of control, and you’ll feel both physically and emotionally safe.”
Yes, please to all of that. 🙌
So how do we actually do this?
Here’s a simple, step-by-step approach to setting boundaries, especially if this is your first time doing it (or the first time doing it without guilt):
Step 1: Get Clear on What’s Not Working
Before you can set a boundary, you need to identify what’s draining you, frustrating you, or crossing a line. Like… did you say yes to helping someone with a task, but now you have to figure out how you’re going to complete your own tasks? Why are you moving your schedule to accommodate that individual?
Step 2: Decide What You Actually Need
Think: what would feel supportive, respectful, or aligned in this situation? By saying no to a situation or task, what are you opening up space for? Is it going to give you time to relax, enjoy a show you’ve been meaning to watch, read a book you’ve been excited about, or finally tackle that DIY project?
Step 3: Communicate Clearly (Not Emotionally)
Say what you mean, without apologizing for it. Clear, kind, and direct is your goal. Write it down first if you have to. This is the time to be direct. Don’t start with “I apologize in advance” or “I’m sorry…”
Examples:
To Yourself: I will set my phone to sleep mode at 8 p.m. and block all incoming calls, texts, and alerts until the next morning. I deserve uninterrupted rest.
Personal: I’m working on resting more, and I’d love your support. I’ll be meditating for 30 minutes at 7 p.m. in the bedroom. Please don’t interrupt me, this time is important to me. I’ll be fully present with you after 7:30 p.m.
Business: My family is a priority. After I clock out at 4:30 p.m., I’m unavailable and won’t respond to work messages until the next business day. This helps me stay focused, balanced, and ultimately more productive.
Step 4: Stick to It Without Over-Explaining
You don’t owe a TED Talk. “No” is a complete sentence. Now this is especially difficult for me. Sometimes I feel like I owe people an explanation, but you really don’t.
Also, when someone says no to you, respect it. Don’t pry for a reason. This is especially hard for me when my husband or son say no. 😂 I’m like, “But why?” I get sad in the moment, especially if it’s something I wanted to share with them. But you know what? I still do the activity. They can suffer from the FOMO later.
Step 5: Expect Discomfort—Do It Anyway
Setting boundaries might feel awkward at first. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Do you know how many times I still picked up my phone to doom-scroll on social media after putting it on sleep mode? Habits are hard to break. So give yourself some grace. And trust me, it does get easier.
You’ve got this.
Let them talk. Let them judge. Let them wonder.
You? You’re choosing peace.
Want more support?
📖 Grab a copy of my book Get It Together (Without Losing Your Mind)—it’s packed with real talk, personal stories, and practical strategies to help you reclaim your time, energy, and purpose.
📬 Subscribe to the Fuel Your Week Newsletter— every week, I drop exclusive coaching tips, mindset shifts, and a little chisme you don’t get through social media, straight into your inbox (no fluff, no spam, just truth).
👉🏼 Buy the book - Subscribe to the Newsletter - or fuel me with some cafecito
Disclaimer:
I am not a doctor, psychologist, or licensed therapist. Everything I share is based on my personal experiences and should not be considered professional advice. For personalized guidance, always consult a licensed medical or mental health professional—yes, a real one, not "Dr. Google" or the comment section of social media.
If you're in crisis, please call 911 or contact the 988 Lifeline for immediate support. You're not alone, and real help is available.
