Military Life Reflections: How My Service Shaped Me
Note: What I’m about to share has never been shared in full before. I’ve given glimpses of this to my husband, maybe a bit to my family, but never the entire story. Please know this might be triggering for some, but you are not alone. The 988 Lifeline provides 24/7, free, and confidential support for people in distress, offering resources for you or your loved ones.
Where do I even start? Never in a million years did I think my life would take this direction—to the military. Growing up, I truly believed I’d follow in my grandfather’s footsteps and become a medical doctor. But life has a funny way of rerouting your plans.
I joined JROTC in high school, not because I had a burning desire to join the military, but because my best friend convinced me it was fun. And to be honest, it was! I loved it and quickly climbed the ranks. By my senior year, I was second in command as the Battalion Executive Officer. Despite getting accepted into several universities, I had no way to pay for college. A friend mentioned the Florida National Guard: two weeks a year, one weekend a month, stay in Miami, and college is paid for. Sounded perfect. So, I enlisted. Some people doubted me, saying, "Cynthia would never make it—she hates to sweat." They weren’t wrong, but I said, "Hold my beer."
Basic Training: The Beginning of My Journey
In 1998, I found myself at Basic Training, quickly becoming the platoon leader in my company. Reflecting on it now, I’ve always been a leader, but after leaving the military, I somehow lost the confidence to embrace that part of myself fully. My biggest struggle? Physical training (PT), particularly running. I’ve always called myself a lazy runner—speed walkers could lap me! And then there was the never-ending battle with weight and the dreaded BMI chart. To this day, I want to shove that chart where the sun doesn’t shine. You’d think in 2024, we’d have better medical science recognizing that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, but nope. Even my VA-appointed orthopedic still insists on referencing that chart. I finally told him (nicely but firmly) to never show it to me again.
After training at Ft. Jackson and Ft. Huachuca to become an interrogator, I returned to my unit in Miami, ready to start college and pursue that medical degree. But life had other plans. I couldn’t pass the military’s weight requirements, which meant I couldn’t qualify for the college benefits I’d enlisted for. No one had explained that to me, and at 18, I hadn’t thought to ask. So, I applied for financial aid and kept on going. But then, I was continually called for out-of-state training. My dreams of college kept getting postponed.
Facing Harassment and Being Failed by Leadership
During one of those trainings, two senior sergeants began sexually harassing me and another female soldier. I reported it to my chain of command after one of those sergeants humiliated me by announcing my weight in front of the entire unit. I thought I was doing the right thing. But I quickly learned the harsh reality: the military can be a good ol' boys' club. My leadership swept it under the rug, blaming my emotions on my parents' separation. A few years later, that same sergeant was charged with child molestation. Every day, I wonder if I could have done more. But when leadership doesn’t support you, what more can you do?
At another assignment, myself and another female soldier were constantly singled out—criticized for our appearance, our professionalism questioned. Yet, another female soldier, higher-ranking but less conventionally attractive, made daily comments about how we were "too provocative" or "too sexy." It didn’t matter what we wore; it was always too much for her.
Then September 11 happened, and like many, my life changed forever. I was put on orders to patrol the Port of Miami. One day, a tourist mistook me and my partner—both fully equipped with Kevlar, bulletproof vests, and rifles—as actors. His wife kept apologizing while he excitedly questioned whether we were part of some show. I’m pretty sure our male counterparts weren’t asked ridiculous questions like that.
Afterward, I was sent to Bosnia as part of Operation Enduring Freedom, but my team ended up in Hungary. We were responsible for ensuring soldiers were safe while on leave from Bosnia. I wrote all the safety and security reports while the rest of my team—three men and me—were there. A Captain we worked with made it clear he believed women belonged in the kitchen, taking care of babies. He refused to sign off on any medals for me. Later, he was investigated for lying about having a Top Secret Security Clearance. I still don’t know what happened to him.
The Assault That Changed Everything
One night in Hungary, everything changed. After taking care of soldiers weekend after weekend, it was finally my turn to have fun. I trusted the people I was with, but after having too much to drink, one of them raped me. He was helping me back to my room and then he decided it was ok to help himself. That night broke something inside of me. It led to years of self-destructive behavior and a cloud of darkness that hung over me for 18 years.
These things don’t just happen in the military. Leadership has failed me in the civilian world, too. Women still judge and try to tear each other down. But through it all, here’s what I’ve learned:
Resilience: I am the most resilient person I know. Throw a roadblock in my way, and I will find a way around it. Plan B, C, D—I’ll make it happen. Nothing will stop me from achieving what I want.
Leadership: I once told my therapist I wished I had the leader I needed back then. She responded, “Why can’t you be that leader for someone now?” That blew my mind. I’ve been striving to be a leader all my life, and it turns out, I’ve been that leader all along.
It’s Okay to Seek Help: After being failed by leadership, I didn’t think I could ever ask for help again. But I’ve been in therapy for several years now, and I’m finally emerging from the darkness.
A Supportive Spouse
One thing that’s made all the difference in my journey is having a supportive spouse. Ok, so my husband didn’t know the entire story at first, but through it all, he has been my rock. He stood by me, even when I felt like I was at my lowest. I mean, he married me with all my quirks and defects—plus, my dad told him there were no take-backs! 😄 But seriously, having that unwavering support has been a game-changer. Even when I didn’t believe in myself, he did, and that has helped me push forward, one step at a time.
Find a Supportive Circle: I’m tired of women tearing each other down. I’ve found a small but mighty circle of supportive women veterans. We lift each other up, cheer each other on, and talk highly of each other even when we’re not in the room.
I’ve been through hell and back, but these experiences have shaped me into who I am today: a resilient leader who won’t back down from a challenge and someone who now understands the importance of seeking help and surrounding herself with a supportive community.
Disclaimer:
I am not a doctor, psychologist, or licensed therapist. The information shared here is based on my personal experiences and is not professional advice. Always consult with a licensed medical or mental health professional for personalized guidance—yes, a real one, not "Dr. Google" or the Social Media community. If you are in crisis, please dial 911, or contact the 988 Lifeline for immediate assistance.
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Disclaimer:
I am not a doctor, psychologist, or licensed therapist. Everything I share is based on my personal experiences and should not be considered professional advice. For personalized guidance, always consult a licensed medical or mental health professional—yes, a real one, not "Dr. Google" or the comment section of social media.
If you're in crisis, please call 911 or reach out to the 988 Lifeline for immediate support. You're not alone, and real help is available.
